Addiction

My Poison of Choice

My liquor preference would revolve around three drinks: A margarita, mojito or at times, tequila. Beer always left a bitter after taste which is why I never had any inclination to it.

The penchant for drink happened during my college years when my dorm mates would sneak in a few bottles and we would get so rowdy and wasted on so much liquor it became funny.

With tequila and sadness in hand, I got so wasted my legs turned to jelly. I was literally crawling on the floor with vomit all over my shirt. It was embarrassing. I was throwing up till I had nothing to throw up anymore.

Just a few years ago, on vacation with a couple of girlfriends, I got so wasted on booze a friend had to help me walk. But the party didn’t stop there. My friend had this awesome idea of finishing another bottle while I dozed off. At the end (and from what I hazily remember from that night), she practically trashed our bathroom. Good thing by this time we were all locked in our hotel room or else she would have had the bright idea of going straight to the beach for a dip!

It’s funny as I look back, they were really crazy years.

My family (I will not say whose side) has the attraction for alcohol. To this day, our fridge and cabinet is stocked with booze. Whenever we have guests, liquor is always on the menu. It can’t be helped.

And since coming to know the Lord, it has become hard for me to let go of that lifestyle. It is a constant struggle. I love going out. I enjoy a good night with girlfriends and usually, it’s not a great night unless there’s booze in the equation.

When I feel anxious and restless, I would call up a girl friend to share a few drinks with me. But its because I simply crave the company.

I love alchohol not because I like the taste but because it releases me from my inhibitions. I laugh harder. I enjoy myself better (although in a dizzy sort of way). For a moment, my problems are gone. For a moment, I am numb. Even if its just for a moment.

Is it a sin to love this kind of lifestyle? Because I miss it so much. I still enjoy (and constantly look for) my drunken nights.

I can’t say with full conviction that I have weaned off liquor permanently.

I asked a friend of mine why he drank so much, he said liquor is the only thing to fill the empty void. His demon, emptiness. Mine could be the lethal cocktail of pain, loneliness and sadness.

We all have our demons. Can the Lord help remove my desire for alcohol? To exorcise me permanently from my demons? I have realized I can’t do it on my own.

A friend of mine prodded me to join this workshop. Later did I know I was in a circle with people who shared the same struggles as I have. A lady in my group mentions spiritual warfare a number of times. What it means, I don’t know exactly or what it has to do with my issues, I’m just hoping that these sessions will be the answer to my questions.

I’m just taking it one day at a time. So wish me luck.

3 thoughts on “My Poison of Choice

  1. Hi, Paula, I can totally relate, somehow it helps to have friends who don’t drink . Also, I thought about the long term effects of drinking. And of course, I got pregnant, didn’t drink at all for a year, now I just drink moderately and occasionally. Before, I drank because I was young, restless and single, now it all changed, I guess for the better. :-)

    • Hi Carla, it’s great that you’ve finally put those days behind you. I guess everyone will go through that phase sometime in one’s life. I don’t want to focus on the details behind the drinking, but yes, it does help to surround oneself with well-meaning and sober friends.

  2. Pingback: Nobody Tells Me What To Do | Miss Tolentino

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