Yes, I have control issues.
Control issues on time, schedules, food portions, cleanliness, or if I’m making enough money, etc.
Family and a few friends can attest to this: I drive them nuts.
Just to cite an example, I easily get ticked off when things don’t go the way I planned, or sometimes beat myself up when I eat outside the meal plan or if people come in a few minutes late, etc.
My head goes “not good enough, not good enough, NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!”
You can’t imagine the personal turmoil inside of me that is just screaming to get out. It feels heavy and suffocating all at the same time. 😦
I think it stems from having a semi-perfectionist attitude on what should be, how I envisioned things to be, and the nonsense grandeur inside my head. There is this incessant need to be in control, in-charge, organized, planned, perfect.
Which is why, I prefer to be alone most of the time lest I smother the person I am with. I am in danger of running a dictatorship not a relationship. It’s unfair to the person and not conducive to a healthy partnership. Hence, my current predicament. (But I shall save that story for another time)…
It’s funny isn’t it, life?
You go through life planning & strategizing your moves but you are never really 100% sure that it will turn out the way you want them to be. You can only cut your risks (of loosing, of failure) by a few percent, and then you need to leave it and move on. Because before you know it, life smacks you right in the face and spits at the very thing you worked so hard for.
I am still on the process of accepting that these are all petty things. At the end of my life, it will all not matter. That I get so worked up over such trivial things. That not everything will turn out the way I plan them to be. I can only do my best and let the chips fall where they may.
I tell you, controlling behavior is a something that needs weaning off. It just does not happen over night. Similar to a drug addict, control is my opium, and I am officially on rehab.
Today, I am letting go and letting God. In Him, I will never be shaken nor moved. For this is my prayer: even if the world disappoints me, He will not.